Life Without My Moma

Yes, it has truly been a few months since I wrote on this blog. But, I'm gonna try to get back started again.  But never in a million years, did I think that I would be doing this post.

On June 7, 2017, my life unexpectedly changed. My mother, "Nita", Carol Deloris Gilbert left this earth. DEVASTATION does not describe what I felt or even feel now. Complete unbelief and utter shock engulfed me. And, I probably still have that around me.

My husband had to help me realize that my Mother was truly everything to me. I always wanted to make her proud. I never wanted to disappoint her. I never wanted her to worry about me. As long as I had my mother here on this earth, I knew I had a spiritual covering and a safety net. I always had a place to go. And, if I hit rock bottom, I knew that she would be there. My #1 supporter.

I am honestly still grappling my brain around this. I truly miss her everyday. And I'm so hurt, because I'm not sure if  my Moma really knew how great I thought she was. My mom was a single mother and she endured so much to give my brother and I the best. I absolutely hate that  now I can't tell her what she meant to me.

She was so passionate about ministry and her non-profit work. I don't even have a quarter of the stamina that she had lol

She was like any other mother. Sometimes, she would be too concerned. And, a lot of times, she did the opposite of what I would ask her to do. But, now I am so glad that she did.

She always asked about my dog Louie and would buy him little gifts. And, my mother hated dogs lol.

See, I am not really a lovey, dovey person. I am really just beginning to learn how to be a better communicator about my feelings. We said to each other "I love you" often, and I'm grateful for that. But, I can only pray now that my mother left this earth knowing how awesome I really thought she was and how much I truly loved her. I wanted to give my mother the world, because I knew she always tried to give her best to me--even when she didn't have it to give or should have never given it.

When I do write now, you may see a lot of reference to my mother. I'm still trying to make her proud. I'm trying to carry out her legacy and do things how I know that she would have wanted them.

When people tell you to treasure life's moments with the people you love most, PLEASE BELIEVE THEM. Tell the people that you care about that you love them. As young adults, you may think that you have all the time in the world with your parents. And some of you will, and others won't. I guarantee you the time will never be enough. So, please do what you can to spend time with your parents. Do something that they would like to do. I promise you will be glad that you did in the long run.

I had no idea that June 3 would be the last time I would see my mom alive or that  June  6 (or even in the year of 2017) would be the last time  I would hear my mother's voice. I am glad that I got to talk to her, but what I would not give to tell that woman how much I love her again.

Happy Birthday Mackenzie K.!

One of the hardest decisions that I had to make this year was if I was going to share and celebrate one of the hardest life moments that I ever faced.

On March 23, 2016 - My greatest life accomplished was born Miss Mackenzie Kadence Duke. Yet, within seconds Mackenzie was gone.

She was simply beautiful and my weight loss coach. She had been keeping my weight down for 21 weeks and did not allow me to eat much of anything.

By the time, I knew Mackenzie was conceived, I had dealt with four miscarriages and was not trying to get pregnant. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got pregnant with her lol. I had just quit a job that was absolutely terrible. I was trying to re-group and get my life in order. Plus, I had gotten a new puppy. That's all the commitment I needed at that present time.

Yet,  Mackenzie was still my blessing. I definitely viewed this baby as a rainbow after so many storms in my life. Every doctor's visit with her was scary. When you have multiple miscarriages like I have, you loathe doctor's appointment. They give you extreme anxiety and run your blood pressure up terribly high. But, she was worth it. In future posts, I plan to share our time with Mackenzie.

But today, I just want to say:

Happy Birthday Kenzie K!

So, Happy Birthday Mackenzie K!

We wish you could be here with us, but we know that you can't. Your Daddy and I will always love you.

I wonder about you all the time. I know you would have Marcus wrapped around your finger by now.  Everyone said that you looked like him. I guess I would give him that lol. I know we would have been able to gang up on him though.

Sometimes I feel like you should be in the car with me as I drive down the road. But, I look through my rearview mirror, and I realize that you didn't come home with me.

There are many days that I wonder did I do everything possible to keep you here with me. The doctors and my family tell me I did. Obviously, I don't feel like I did enough. They tell me God loves you best. So, it must be a whole lot more in comparison to the love I have for you. I have to trust that. And, also know that Grandaddy Frank and Miss Maeola are loving on you too.

But, today is your day, and we will celebrate. I will make sure I eat some cake for you!! I plan to wear purple. I made that your favorite color. You would have loved Daisy Duck, that would have been your birthday theme. I will probably get some purple balloons today, and I hope they reach you. I hope you feel my love, every time I kiss your picture.

There was a song I planned to dedicate to you. I seem to hear it all the time now. Sometimes a little too much. But, I hope that it means that you are with me.

You are just the best, my lovebug, my baby. I love you forever.